How long could you survive chained to a bed with a velociraptor?

Tonight's main question could be "Will you be my Valentine?" But there's folly in that query as the true question should be "How long could you survive chained to a bed with a velociraptor?" I've been trying to answer this question since I saw the kitchen scene from Jurassic Park and concurred that I would have shamelessly wet myself. Then I saw The Land Before Time series and realized I could have taken on those sissy dinosaurs.

But since the days of LiveJournal and their myriad online personality quizzes, i.e. Which finger are you? What is your birth color?, people have been trying to figure out who they are when the critical question was "How long could you survived chained to the hip with a carnivorous dinosaur?

Two decades later, we have an answer. Finally.

(From Cam)

Unhappy Hipsters

Unhappy Hipsters is a website devoted to picturesque shots of purported lonely hipsters. The photos seem to be ripped out of various architectural digests, but the captions is what makes them brilliant. You can send tips in to unhappyhipsters@gmail.com.

Enjoy!
It was unclear how her life had become so riddled with obvious metaphors.
(Photo: Paco Perez; Dwell, July/August 2004)

Everyone always leaves.
(Dwell, April 2009)

The octopus was full of judgment.
(Photo: Mark Compton; Dwell, October 2009)

(From TJ )

Open A Banana Like A Monkey

Open A Banana Like A Monkey is a video that has gone viral- teaching everyday folks a whole "new" way of opening a banana. Instead of struggling with the stick end- try this method of opening the banana from the bottom. A simple pinch, squeeze, split, pull. I've not witnessed an actual monkey peeling a banana... but this method certainly is easier!

(From YouTube)

Breakdancing Fingers

Breakdancing Fingers is a self-explanatory Youtube video posted by IQCrash. You will waste 1 minute of your life watching this. Watch those moves!

(From Kian)

How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son is an Onion News Network video spoofing anti-gay parents' worst fears on Halloween. Lovely.


(From Guy>)

The Rent Is Too Damn High Party

The Rent Is Too Damn High Party is a political (?) party running in the upcoming General Election for the City of New York and County of New York. Hands down, it's the most awful website in the history of websites. It was made by a time-traveller from 1996, complete with bursting firework gifs. Precious.

However, what makes it awesome is their ridiculous song on loop. You can't not not not love it. A+.

(From Dave H.)

Unfortunately Named Professionals

Unfortunately Named Professionals is a totally juvenile list-article on Buzzfeed about professionals with funny names for their situation. I am so totally 12.

(From Buzzfeed)

Greeting Card Emergency Episode 6: Four Coming-Out Cards

Greeting Card Emergency Episode 6: Four Coming-Out Cards is a humorous Youtube video featuring David Ellis Dickerson, who makes greeting cards for unmet markets. Solid beginning, kind of overwrought, excruciating ending. Nonetheless, A+ for the cards.

(From Jelena J.)

The 10 Best Things That Have Ever Happened Behind A News Reporter’s Back

The 10 Best Things That Have Ever Happened Behind A News Reporter’s Back is a video list on Buzzfeed about the funniest reporter videobombs.

My favorite is the video above. Apparently, traders are very juvenile. Probably not safe for work.
(From Buzz )

One Nation Under Cthulhu

One Nation Under Cthulhu is a parody follow-up image to Jon McNaughton's One Nation Under God.

(From Reader Darc_Oso)

Sesame Street: Mad Men

Sesame Street: Mad Men is a spoof of the TV show "Mad Men" by Sesame Street.

Yes, why yes I am having a hard time keeping up with this daily blog. Second year is busy. Thanks for asking.
(From JenK)

He Wolf [probably NSFW]

He Wolf is a shot-by-shot remake of Shakira's music video She-wolf, but with a gay UW student. I don't know what's funnier, the word "lycanthropy" in a pop song or that guy piling into a single bed with his partner.

Enjoy!
(From Court)

Church Store Fail

Church Store Fail is an unintentionally humorous image from the failblog, showing the least appropriate thing to name a church goods store. Or most appropriate. Commenters, you decide. In any case, this image is appropriate for my finds today. Fail-tastic.

(From TM)

Awkward Yearbook Signatures

Awkward Yearbook Signatures is a tumblr blog about awkward yearbook signatures. THey have scans of the signatures, time and date, and a running commentary. Example:

"Give me my money back or I'll kick your ass."

--Longfellow Middle School, McLean, VA, 1994
“Gym class was great”? “You really cracked me up in science”? “Never change”? All such niceties go out the window when it comes to the end of the year and someone still owes you a petty amount of cash.

Incidentally, this site is 20x better when you listen to that one Ben Folds song as a soundtrack.

(From Buzzfeed)

The Asian Spanish Teacher

The Asian Spanish Teacher is a comedy video about Señor Chang, a Greendale Spanish instructor who challenges and confronts your Asian stereotypes.
(From T. J.)

Internet Refill

Internet Refill is an image from juliasegal.tumblr.com. This is where I went today, when I ran out of interwebs. There was nothing good on the interblags today.

(From Buzzfeed)

Will Ferrell stands up for the real health care victims

Will Ferrell stands up for the real health care victims is a pro-health care reform satire PSA.

It features Will Ferrell, Jon Hamm, Olivia Wilde, Thomas Lennon, Robert Ben Garant, Masi Oka, Jordana Spiro, Linda Cardellini, and Donald Faison.  Pretty heavy-handed, pretty awesome.

(From Chels)

15 Famous People Who Have “Fiveheads”

15 Famous People Who Have “Fiveheads" is a vapid picture-list-article on Buzzfeed that made me actual-laugh-out-loud. Only because I'm self-conscious about my four-and-a-half-head. I digress. 

Buzzfeed totally made up the following term: "For those unfamiliar with the term, a 'fivehead' is when a person's forehead is so big, that it's more like a 'five'head."  

Very informative article. For example, I learned the following fact: Christina Ricci's face is 90% forehead.

(From Buzzfeed)

Dating Montage

Dating Montage is an 80's video-dating video on Daily Motion. Amazing.

So many questions & comments!
--Did that guy just seriously say, "no hamsters"?
--I'm interested in *no* phases of data processing.
--Oh Fred.

From Metafilter:

"WTH is a Donna Juanita? My best two minutes of googling come back with this. That seems a very specific dislike if that's what the guy at 2:55 is talking about. posted by mindless progress"

"Whoa, the guy at 2:43 is 25?! 25 going on 42?
posted by geoff".

"I do consider myself a 'refined valley dude.'
Something about the way he says it.... you can actually hear the quotes.
posted by Afroblanco"

"mindless progress: 'WTH is a Donna Juanita?'
A female Don Juan, ie. a smooth operator, seductress, a woman out to make a sexual conquest.
posted by idiopath"

"Oh, God, what is that word that's the opposite of schadenfreude? The one for the shared shame of seeing someone embarrass themselves? posted by maudlin "

(From Metafilter)

Fucking Delicious

Fucking Delicious is a cute website that shows pictures of adorable animals eating laced with profanity. For example, this picture is captioned "What? I’m not the one who’s been stealing your fucking peanuts."

A+.

(From T. J.)